I’ve had some VERY interesting reactions to my Saturday op-ed, reflecting on the Warren Turner non-censure vote. I told of a couple of instances long ago in which male colleagues had been inappropriate, either to me or others. I never reported them, I wrote, in part because that was an era when people really didn’t talk about “sexual harassment” as something you should complain about.
I also wrote, “Not reporting things is not unusual. Why didn’t I report Mr. Trashmouth Reporter? Why didn’t I speak up, years later, when a male politician casually and briefly dropped a hand on my thigh at a dinner? I guess I didn’t want to make a scene. I told a friend. She revealed that the same fellow had, in the guise of a hug, groped her. (For the record, it was not Warren Turner.)”
As you’d expect, I got some e-mails and phone calls in response. Most of the ones from women recounted experiences they’d had in which male co-workers, bosses or colleagues made their workplace uncomfortable.
Two off-the-record accounts came from women whom I’ve always thought of as taking no guff – the kind you’d think would have told the men to knock it off or they’d be missing key body parts. They told of thoroughly inappropriate remarks or even fending off men whose names you’d recognize. Neither ever reported it, or directly confronted the men. Why not? They just didn’t want to make a scene, they said.
The e-mails were interesting as well. Several from men expressed skepticism that the harassment truly occurred or was really anything more than clumsy attempts at flirtation. Here’s what one man wrote:
“Women in the workplace are exposing themselves more and more. … skirts with high, high slits; leg crossings exposing panties and/or the upper thigh. At the water cooler or in the elevator, an attractive man might get a really hard unmistakable breast buried in his … triceps. Or a woman will bend over facing him, showing how loose her bra fits and a whole lot of her anatomy. I can understand how some men interpret that conduct as an invitation … . Sexual harassment is a two-way street. Women should hold their exposure and their pressing of breasts on men for their husbands at home, etc., not at work.” (Never mind that neither I nor the women I knew whom I wrote about had dressed in those ways.)
The women’s e-mails were more sobering. Here’s one: “I’ve been in the same job for 21 yrs and always “1 rung below” in the pecking order of the same guy all these years. I’ve put up with exactly what you talked about – for 20 yrs. Nothing has changed for women really today. The same guy has been in trouble numerous times. Nothing ever happens to him. Most who did dare to come forward & complain, found themselves laid off or transferred to a lesser paying job. Why come forward if you’ll not be validated or supported by management but rather only made to look like a fool? Certainly, it was never worth it to me.”
Another: “Thank you so much for writing the article regarding sexual harassment. I am a retired teacher who was harassed by a principal along with several other teachers. My reaction was interesting when it first happened. You wonder, was it something I said; was he only kidding; maybe I was overreacting. When it happened again, I began to feel very uncomfortable and threatened. I then made it a point of avoiding his presence whenever possible. Eventually I along with a group of other teachers went before the school board attorney to express our feelings. I was wise enough to take my own attorney along and get in writing that I would not receive any repercussions due to my action. There was never any action taken against the principle but he eventually did lose his job for another infraction not related to the harassment. … I have two daughters in the work force now and they tell me that they have never had a boss who did not harass them in some way. ”
And this, with an interesting suggestion at the end: “You told the situation just like it really is. I know from sad experience. I worked for many years at one of our hospitals as an RN. I was groped by one of the doctors, and then later when I complained to the RN in charge, I was told “this is Dr. M, and we don’t want to upset him, do we?” Several years later, that same doctor made inappropriate remarks when we were on an elevator. I was so dumbfounded that I just looked harshly at him, and got off the elevator at the next stop. I did tell a superior, and she said basically the same thing that the first one had said, that is, leave it alone. I was supporting my family, and needed my job. You can be assured that I stayed far away from that doctor. … Perhaps we need a place where women (and/or men) can go to report inappropriate happenings. It would be ideal if there could be some sort of a committee which could listen, and then weigh the situation to see what could be done about it.”
So fellas, here’s a lesson for you. You may not be making smarmy remarks about body parts or your sexual prowess to your female co-workers, but some men do. You may not be groping your female colleagues, but some other men are. Most men behave themselves. A few don’t. When the women try to report these things, please try to believe them. A small percentage may be making things up, but it’s more likely that they are telling the truth. Even if it’s about your fraternity brother – or your fellow City Council member.